Wednesday, February 21, 2007

Atypical

Even with William's diagnosis I have been able to somewhat treat him like a "normal" baby. That's why the past few days have been so hard for me... the first evidence that William is not a typical baby has been thrown in my face. And we had to start him on medication that is not normally given to babies/children. Giving him that first dose was so very hard. I feel like a failure. I failed to protect him from whatever it was that caused his brain damage. Everyone says it is not my fault, but who else's could it be? He was INSIDE of me. I am the one who is supposed to protect him from everything bad. I failed miserably.

8 comments:

Jessica said...

Lisa~
It's NOT your fault, and please don't beat yourself up over it. Keep your chin up. You are a good momma. I'll be thinking of you. Hope you can get some rest~
Jess

Reg said...

To William you are Mommy, the one to love him and hold him, that's all that matters. You could either concentration on the negative or focus on what lies before you which is a beautiful baby boy (and his gorgeous big sister) You are a great Mom and a great person. Try to stay strong.

Johnette said...

You are a wonderful Mommy and you did your absolute best at keeping that little boy safe. There is nothing you did wrong!!!! You are all in our thoughts and prayers.

Jennifer said...

I can never find the words appropriate for feelings like this, but I came across this quote and thought of you:

“A child’s outcome is directly linked to their parents and their environment.”
Dr. Robert E. Schumacher, Medical Director, Holden NICU


http://fracas.files.wordpress.com/2007/01/miraclebabies.pdf

Vicki said...

Lisa,

I think it is normal for you to have these feelings. It is what mothering is all about. Total responsibility. However, you are not God so give up thinking you had choices in this. Not protecting and making bad choices for children with responsibility attached, is only applicable if you knew ahead of time that what you were doing would result in this outcome. Obviously you are not at fault in any way. You and David have a long road ahead with many blessings and many challenges. The best thing you can do for the kids and yourselves is be optimistic. This joy of living will transfer to the kids and who knows how this can affect outcomes. I can say it will be a darn site better than thinking, acting, and feeling guility over something you had no choice in. Kids love to laugh, love to have fun, and need a great spirit of seeing things in a state of wonder and grace. You need to provide this environment for them.

Love to all of you.

Jennifer said...

Hi Lisa,

I came across this and thought it may help you to stop 'beating yourself up'.

http://www.acog.org/from_home/Misc/neonatalEncephalopathy.cfm

"...gives evidence that the vast majority of neonatal encephalopathy and cerebral palsy originate from developmental or metabolic abnormalities, autoimmune and coagulation defects, infection, trauma, or combinations of these factors."

Hopefully this can be of some use to you.

Much love to you and the monkees!

The Moss Clan said...

Lisa~
I felt the same way for a long time until I stumbled across this scripture. John 9:1-5~ As he went along, he saw a man blind from birth. His disciples asked him. "Tabbi. who sinned, this man or his parents, that he was born blind?"
"NIether this man nor his parnets sinned," saud Jesus, "but this happened so that the work of God might be displayed in his life. As long as it is day, we must do the work of him who sent me. Night is coming, when no one can work. While I am in the world, I am the light of the world."
I just wanted to share that with you because it helps me on a daily basis.

The Moss Clan said...

Lisa~ Brodie is not blind but I just use this to reference to as far as he is not typical so that is what I meant!.By the way would you care if I put your link on our website?