Monday, April 23, 2007

I'll admit it


I am walking a fine line psychologically lately. I'm sure that it is partially due to exhaustion from my recent illness and the illnesses of my children. And then there is William's first Neurology follow-up on Friday morning looming out there. Certainly doesn't help.

Mostly, though, I think I am having a hard time finding balance these days. William's extreme need for holding, bouncing, rocking, singing has left me little time for my precious Margaret (or my husband or myself). I can see in Margaret's eyes how much she misses me and how sad she is sometimes when she wants to play/cuddle/just be with me but I can't because William is screaming his head off. I miss her so much. She has even started pushing me away now when I do have time to spend with her. She will whine and try to smack me until I leave her alone. Makes me so sad.

And William's appointment... Let me just say that I love William's (Margaret's) physical therapist. She has moved her schedule around so that she can go with us to the Neurologist on Friday. I know that this is a wonderful thing to have her want to be so involved with his therapies. But, honestly, it kind of scares me. Yes, I can tell that he has issues but it makes me wonder if he is very severe for the PT to care about coming so much. I am just going to hope that this is because she genuinely cares about us and not because she is super concerned about his future abilities.

Developmentally, William is doing okay for his age, I think. He does have tone issues. And his legs are already scissoring. But he can lift his head and chest up during tummy time without relying too much on his his high tone. He has started to swipe at toys when he is on his back. Lately, too, when he brushes his hands on something, he grabs (always misses) and brings his hands towards his mouth. One day a week or so ago, he actually got his thumb in his mouth (with some side lying help) and sucked it like mad. Ever since, he has been trying like crazy to get his fist to his mouth. His head control is still not the best but I'm wondering how much that has to do with his vision. When he is on his back, he tends to look to the right or left instead of holding his head at midline. He CAN do it, but I think that since his vision may not be the best, he doesn't have any motivation to hold that "hard" position.

Vision wise, he seems to have improved over the past couple of weeks. He doesn't whip his head around as much any more and he seems to be able to find my face some of the time now. I still have to make noises to get him to look for me, but he at least can see where I am. Every now and then, he will even look at my eyes.

Margaret floored me a few days ago when she walked across the room. She hasn't done anything close since... hopefully soon. I think that the antibiotics she is taking have made her feel not-so-hot and she has been a bit less active. When she gets better, I hope that she will be up to more walking. Her snail's pace has me always on the edge of my seat.

... I will add pictures later when I have a few more minutes to spare...

8 comments:

Jessica said...

Lisa~
I am sorry you are feeling so crummy. I am always here if you want to email. I can relate to some of the stuff you are talking about with the screaming/high needs and siblings. Hope things are better soon...

tiffany said...

Thank you for writing such an honest post. So many of us have felt like we are walking that fine line psychologically sometimes dealing with issues post-NICU. Not to mention just how hard it is to manage being a wife and mother in general! You are awesome and always an inspiration!

Emily said...

It's understandable that you are on edge between the sick kiddos and William's extra demands. I always find myself physically sick for a few days before some of Noah's appointments (nutrition, specifically). I hope things go really well on Friday. Thanks for the comment on my blog - it made me laugh about something that I take too seriously sometimes.

Jennier said...

Lisa- HUGS!!! i can 100% relate to how you feel and what you are going through. Hang in there. I am glad your therapist is going witn you to the neuro appt. Mine goes because with kids with PVL sometimes they need to knwo which is more important to focus on, because there are so many things to work with they don't know which is most important.

Hang in there!

Jen N Landon

Jessica said...

That is a beautiful picture of William. It reminds me of the close-up one of Margaret. They look so alike....

Meghann said...

Just a hug from here in Texas.

Bolline Family said...

You have every right to feel that way and I appreciate your honesty. Being a mom is incredibly difficult and then add on all the extras and you have more than a lot on your plate. Praying that you will be pleasantly surprised by what you learn at William's appt.

"All you need to remember is that God will never let you down; He'll never let you be pushed past your limit; He'll always be there to help you come through it." I Corinthians 10:13

Kathryn said...

Lisa,

You are not alone in walking the fine psychological line. I frequent that line when things are really rough. I think it's totally reasonable to feel stressed, scared, overwhelmed, and exhausted. I remember dreading the neuro visits and I wouldn't read more into the PT's kindness - just sounds like she cares about William and you and is trying to help make things easier. Nice person.

Lastly, just remember no one really totally understands the brain and how it will heal after injury. No one. So have hope for William. He will let you know what it is going to be. I see some very hopeful things as well, like the thumb sucking and putting his hands in mouth after discovering something new. I bet if he could actually hang onto the objects he would put them in too. And isn't that what he is supposed to be doing now?

I can only imagine what it must be like caring for two kids and one with high needs. It's like you need two of you. I am sure that was hard when Margaret pushed you away. On the other hand I look at that and go, she is doing great cognitively to have done so. She will forgive you.

Hang in there. I hope you get a chance to rest. It must be so hard to have constant screaming and holding and not time for you.

From the pics and what you write, I have to say your little ones look great.

Good luck at the neuro visit.